Mean Girl Murder Read online

  "I can't believe it fits so well!" Kelly said. "You were measured months ago. Most of the time people gain or lose a few pounds, but you didn't."

  Zelda nodded.

  "Why would I gain or lose weight?" I frowned at the mirror as I turned to the left and then to the right.

  "Because you eat like a ravenous toddler who's been told this is her last Ding Dong," Kelly said.

  That was true. I was especially fond of cookies and pasta that came in a can. Rex tolerated my eating habits but had let me know they would change when we moved in together.

  Kelly took pics on her phone. "For Judith," she said.

  My mother would be happy to see this. She was the ultimate fashion plate and looked amazing in anything.

  "I thought you were going to dye her hair dark brown?" Zelda said.

  "We will." Kelly shot me a look. "I need to put that on my list."

  I kept my mouth shut, because although Kelly really wanted it, it wasn't going to happen. Why was she so obsessed with my hair? Rex didn't mind it. His opinion was more important than hers. Right?

  Zelda took a few measurements but discovered the dress needed no alterations. The more I stared at the dress, the more I loved it. And I was starting to get excited for Rex to see it.

  Whoa. I was excited about the wedding! I really was! All my fears felt like they were finally melting away. Evil Me stepped forward to say something snarky, but I shut her out. After three years of doing exactly the same thing day in and day out, my life was starting to move forward with the potential for a new job and getting married. And in a three-thousand-dollar gown that was now tailored and couldn't be returned for any reason. Evil Me winked at me. I slammed the door this time. Maybe Susan could perform an exorcism…

  "What about the bridesmaids' and flower girls' dresses?" Kelly asked.

  My colors were green and white—the official Girl Scout colors. I still wasn't quite sure if that was just a subliminal suggestion or if I really did like those. It was too late anyway. Kelly and Soo Jin Body (the local coroner) had ordered their gowns.

  Zelda ran to the back and returned with two garment bags—one large and one small. She hung them on the rack and unzipped the large dress—a simple green satin with white trim, handing it to a squealing Kelly, who ran into the back to try it on. Zelda raced after her, leaving me alone.

  I stared at the small garment bag. It had just occurred to me that I didn't know what the final decision had been on the girls' dresses. A few months ago, the girls had selected a dress that looked like a cross between something a Vegas showgirl designed while tripping on LSD and a slutty peacock. We'd offered another option that looked like the bridesmaids dresses. Panic hit me in the chest, and I started to worry that I'd sweat in my three-thousand-dollar wedding dress.

  Kelly had told me she would take care of it, and I'd let the whole mess fall from my memories.

  But what if she hadn't? What if the girls convinced her to allow them to get that monstrosity? Sure, we'd also picked a simpler dress that I loved, but what I've learned as a Girl Scout leader (even more than being a spy) was that anything could happen.

  I was just reaching for the dress when Kelly swept into the room, wearing the dress she and Soo Jin had selected.

  "Wow!" I declared, my fingers only inches from the zipper on the bag.

  Kelly spun around. "You like it?"

  "I love it! You look great!" And I meant it.

  "Soo Jin will have to try on hers." Kelly chewed her lower lip. "But this fits perfectly."

  "And what about this?" I pointed to the smaller bag.

  Kelly blanched.

  Oh no.

  "I'm so sorry." She came down off the little stage. "I couldn't persuade them or their parents."

  "You're kidding," I said. I was pretty sure my face matched my dress. Or maybe Kelly's.

  Zelda was suspiciously absent. It was her fault the girls picked that dress in the first place. Kelly reached over and opened the bag.

  It was even uglier than I'd remembered. Sequins hit the light and blinded me temporarily—which was an improvement over looking at the monstrosity. When I refocused, I noticed that the sequins were mostly green with a fair amount of purple, blue, red, and hot pink. I guess it matched my colors…a bit.

  I pasted on a smile. "It's okay. Really."

  Kelly relaxed, "Really?"

  I nodded. "The girls will make us look even better!"

  To my surprise, I realized that I meant it. I looped my arm through Kelly's, and we both stepped onto the platform.

  "We look amazing," I said.

  Kelly smiled. "We really do."

  * * *

  As I drove out of town, I picked up some yummy, greasy fast food. Turning onto a lonely gravel road surrounded by withering cornfields, it occurred to me we'd have to haul the float closer into town before the parade. But where could we put it? Tissue paper dissolves in the rains that usually accompany October in Iowa, and a strong wind would blow it all away. I made a mental note to find someplace more accessible.

  The barn was chilly, but sunlight poured through the windows, so at least I'd have light to work with. Kelly would be by in a little bit with cookies and juice boxes, and the rest of the troop would soon follow.

  We didn't have much time before the parade. Maybe I could find a way to motivate the girls to work faster. What did they love more than anything? Dying my cat pink…setting fires at camp…that ugly flower girl dress…horses. That's it! I could book a horseback riding trip! I just had to come up with a mathematical ratio for how many tissues could be stuffed in one hour.

  As I approached the flatbed, I spotted a shoe sticking out from behind the three feet of tissue paper I'd managed to poke in yesterday. One of the girls must've left it behind. You might think that's unusual, but it really wasn't. I've found stray shoes after meetings before, which made me wonder how smart the girl was who walked home with only one shoe without noticing anything wrong. I've also found mittens in the summer, a tooth on more than one occasion, and a large ant farm that no one ever claimed.

  It was a strange shoe. Black with a curled-up pointy toe. As if the skull fell on top of the witch from The Wizard of Oz. One of the girls must've brought it as a prop. It was kind of cool but not in keeping with the Through the Ages theme. I walked over, grasped it, and yanked. It didn't move. Because it was attached to a leg.

  I tore the chicken wire frame away to find a woman dressed in black with a witch's hat on her head. She was very still, lying on her back. I tried to find a pulse, but the body was stone cold. Uh-oh. Someone had killed a witch inside my skull.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Ten minutes later, Rex looked at the dead woman, sighed, and shook his head. Dr. Soo Jin Body, the coroner, was up on the flatbed, kneeling over the body. In spite of the circumstances, my fiancé's appearance made my heart flutter a little. I thought about the dress I had on a few hours ago. I really wanted him to see me in it.

  "Do you know her?" he asked.

  The romance faded, and I shook my head. "No. I've never seen her before."

  The dead woman had dyed blonde hair and was maybe in her early thirties, with an average body and height. A permanent scowl was etched into her face. She must have died angry. That wasn't good. When I go, I want to be laughing. I didn't know how Rex would pull that off, but I was reasonably sure he could.

  Officer Kevin Dooley joined us, his hand in a bag of fried pork rinds.

  "Yes?" Rex prompted, ignoring the policeman's weird dietary habits.

  Kevin wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. "The owner is out of state. His name is Oliver Barnes, and he's a widower. He has no idea who the deceased could be. Nobody should've been in the barn except for the troop. His great-niece is the mother of one of the girls in your troop. A Kaitlyn M., or something like that."

  My jaw dropped open. I've known Kevin the cop since kindergarten when he was Kevin the Paste Eater—a nickname he bore until he graduated high school. I'd never heard
him speak more than three words at a time. Now I wondered if he'd just used up his whole vocabulary quota for the year in those six sentences.

  "And you're sure this isn't one of your moms?" Rex asked me.

  I rolled my eyes. "I know what my mothers all look like. I've never seen this woman before."

  "Is she a real witch?" Kevin asked. We ignored him.

  "Strangled," Dr. Body said as she got to her feet. "I'd say she died very early this morning. Between three and four a.m., but I won't know anything for sure until I examine her."

  I helped the coroner down off the flatbed but couldn't take my eyes off the dead witch.

  "When's the parade?" Soo Jin asked. "I'd be happy to help."

  My relationship with the gorgeous medical examiner was complicated—mostly by my own stubbornness. When I first met her, I'd thought she was overly flirty with Rex and Riley. Riley even gave her two of Philby's kittens without asking (yet another reason to turn down the job he'd offered).

  As time passed, I realized that the woman was merely friendly. Kelly couldn't understand why I still kept her at arm's length, and quite frankly, I couldn't either. She was turning into a friend whether I liked it or not. My troop adored her, and last summer she saved our bacon on a Mud Run. It was time to cut her some slack—especially since she was a bridesmaid. Kelly and Soo Jin were working on my bachelorette party at the moment. I hoped it included candy.

  "Thanks, Soo Jin. I mean…Dr. Body." I turned to Rex. "When can we resume work?"

  "What's going on here?" Kelly poked her head through the barn door. She saw the dead woman and ran over. Nurses…right?

  Just then, all ten girls ran into the barn at the same time.

  "Officer Dooley!" Rex shouted. "You were supposed to stand outside and keep people out."

  Kevin shrugged then walked outside to stop anyone else from entering the now crowded barn.

  "It's a dead witch!" Betty screamed.

  An excited roar went up.

  "Why did you kill her, Mrs. Wrath?" Lauren asked me. No matter how many times I told the girls, they called me Mrs. In their squirmy little brains, all women over the age of sixteen were married. And old. Very old.

  "There's no such thing as witches." Ava shook her head at Betty.

  "Yuh hunh!" Inez insisted. "Daddy says my grandma is one!"

  Caterina folded her arms over her chest. "I'm sure Mrs. Wrath only killed her in self-defense." In an aside heard only by me, she added, "What did you use? A garrote? A machete? A rocket launcher?"

  "I didn't kill her!" I insisted.

  "Of course you didn't." Lauren gave me a wink.

  "Ms. Wrath?" Rex pointed toward the door. "Would you mind taking your troop outside?"

  Kelly and I corralled the girls and forced them outside to wait. From the grumbling, I got that they weren't happy.

  "You guys have to call your parents to pick you up," Kelly said amidst a chorus of groans. "This is a crime scene now. Hopefully we can pick up where we left off tomorrow."

  "Did you kill her with one punch?" Betty asked me. "I've always wanted to know how to do that. Can you let us know next time you're going to kill someone with one punch?"

  I was going to say that killing someone that way would be awesome, but Kelly would probably disapprove.

  "You burn witches, duh!" Hannah said.

  "Not if you can kill them by punching them!" Betty's eyes narrowed.

  "In Salem," Hannah said, "they hanged them. One guy was squished under big rocks."

  "Ms. Wrath didn't kill anyone," Kelly said evenly. "Now get your phones out and call your parents, please."

  More grumbling followed, but the girls started dialing. I informed them that their parents would have cake for them when they got home before pulling Kelly aside and asking, "Did you recognize the witch?"

  "You mean the completely normal human being dressed as a witch? No." She looked upset. Good guys or bad, Nurse Kelly hated to see someone die.

  Once the girls were lined up, waiting for their parents while discussing the finer points of execution, she turned to me.

  "Riley called me last night. Said he got his licensing. He's really going to be a private investigator."

  I shrugged. "It's a free country."

  "Did you decide if you were going to work for him?" Kelly arched one eyebrow.

  I hadn't technically told Riley I'd work for him. The idea of being a PI was intriguing since that meant I could legitimately investigate stuff without Rex insisting I couldn't. But was I ready to start chasing down adulterers and serving papers to deadbeat dads (as opposed to taking them out with a rocket launcher)? That didn't appeal to me at all.

  Riley had been a big part of my life. We'd been on dozens of missions together when I worked for the CIA. And not too long ago, I'd found out he still had feelings for me. Unfortunately, he'd had to flee last year during a CIA investigation. When he did come back, it was as an FBI agent. That's like taking Mother Theresa to a gathering of leper-hating Satanists.

  The cars started to arrive, ending our awkward conversation, and most of the parents didn't look happy that they'd had to drive back out here so soon. Only little Ava was still with us after everyone had gone.

  "Did you talk to your parents?" I stepped between her and the view of a body bag being wheeled out to an ambulance.

  The girl nodded. "Dad should be here any minute. I'll tell him about his assistant."

  Kelly and I looked at each other. It wasn't unusual for the girls to say something strange out of the blue. I'd always suspected half of them had Tourette syndrome.

  A white sedan was coming up the drive. Ava nodded before Kelly could ask if that was her father. The child began running toward the car.

  "Hold on!" I ran after Ava. She stopped and turned to face me. "Why are you going to tell your dad about his assistant?" To be honest, my curiosity won out.

  "Because she died."

  It only took a second to figure it out. "You know the woman dressed as a witch?"

  Ava nodded. "Her name is Miss Didi."

  My jaw dropped as I waved to Rex to join us. "Why didn't you tell us you knew her?"

  Ava shrugged. "You didn't ask."

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Rex took control of the situation. Ava's dad, Andy Andrews, identified the dead woman. He seemed very shaken and cleaned his eyeglasses at least a dozen times. Not that that's an indictment for murder—it's just worth noting. Everyone has a "tell," whether it's a Colombian drug lord's twitchy eye or a Serbian assassin who sucks his thumb. I've been told that my tell involves scratching my elbow, but I'm pretty sure that nun in Okinawa was a liar.

  "Mr. Andrews." Rex's tone softened, which was kind of sexy. I'm not sure if it was appropriate to feel that way in this situation. "I'm sorry for the shock." He turned and noticed I was right behind him, and he didn't seem to appreciate that.

  "What's her full name?" I asked.

  "Ms. Wrath…" Rex started to tell me to shove off but nicely. We'd agreed to behave professionally in situations like these so that our relationship didn't compromise me finding dead bodies and him investigating.

  "Didi Stoker. Do they know what happened?" the man interrupted. "Was it an accident? I can't figure out why she'd be here, dressed as a witch—of all things. She was very conservative and thought Halloween an unholy ritual. Didi wouldn't be caught dead in a costume at this time of year."

  I was just about to say that she had, in fact, been caught dead in a costume, but Rex cut me off.

  "Did she know the farmer who owns this place? Oliver Barnes?"

  Andrews shrugged. "I'm not sure. It's a small town, but that doesn't mean I know everybody. And this…this just doesn't make sense." The short, thin man with graying hair took out his handkerchief again and furiously polished his eyeglasses. If this was his guilty tell, then he'd never make it as a spy.

  "Was she at work today?" I interrupted. Rex glared at me, but I ignored him.

  The man shook his head. "No. She'd ask
ed for the day off to run a personal errand. I don't know what it was."

  "Did you kill her, Daddy?" Ava asked as if this was a normal question to ask her father.

  Andy Andrews began to tremble as he looked at his daughter in shock. "She was murdered?"

  Rex observed the man carefully. I secretly loved watching him work. A few inches taller than me, with black hair and a nice athletic build, Detective Rex Ferguson was a hottie with a brain. And today I had the bonus of watching him work without having to explain why the body was in my driveway…or front stoop…or kitchen…

  "Yes. We don't know how just yet." He left out Dr. Body's announcement of strangulation. But then, as Who's There's only detective, Rex did stuff by the book, and until the autopsy came back, the modus operandi would be "unknown."

  "I didn't kill her," Andrews whined. "I wouldn't hurt a fly."

  "You spanked me once, Daddy," Ava said matter-of-factly. "And last week you said you were going to kill the guy who fixed our car."

  "I didn't mean it!" The man had turned a pale shade of green.

  "No further questions, Mr. Andrews. Here's my card. If you think of anything else, please call. And stick around town. We might need to talk to you again."

  I followed Ava and her father to the car. He was shaking so much I wondered if the nine-year-old should drive. She'd probably do a better job. Still, they got into the white sedan and drove slowly away.

  "Do you think he did it?" I asked Rex, who was now talking to Kelly.

  He gave me a look. "This is a police investigation, Merry."

  "Yes, but I found the body. And if I hadn't asked Ava, we wouldn't know who the victim was."

  "I'll call you later," Rex said with a slight smile before turning and walking away.

  That smile was for me, but I understood where he was coming from. This was his job. It was just difficult because Riley and I had worked together. We were equals on every case. But I'm not a cop. This really wasn't any of my business. And I didn't like it one bit.

  Kelly was staring at the ambulance, her head cocked to the side. "Didi Stoker. I think I know who she is."