Four Killing Birds Read online

  There was agreement from Dak and Coney on the coms, and Gin looked at me and nodded. This wouldn't be the first time plans didn't work out with a Bombay hit. I was just really enamored with the idea of using the cassowaries. But a job's a job, and you get it done however you can.

  "…Elmer's right!" one of the old men said in my ear, "I think we should call in the hookers right now. Why wait?"

  Uh-oh.

  A rustling came from a clump of trees a few feet away. Now what? The four cassowaries started to break ranks and run around us in confusion, just as the door to the back gate swung open and Coney appeared.

  "SQUAWK!" A huge, female cassowary emerged from the trees. Seeing the four males running around surprised her. Cassowaries didn't hang out in groups—they were solitary. Now here were four possible mates to choose from. The strange look on her face made me think she thought she'd just won the lottery.

  Immediately, Bulvai, Beowulf, Hrothgar, and Kevin got into a line and stood completely still, like they were lined up for a cassowary inspection.

  Gin looked at me fiercely, and Coney slipped out to join us. The birds didn't notice.

  "Uh, guys?" Dak's voice was in our ears. "It's ten minutes till midnight, and it sounds like LEOPOLD wants their dessert."

  "Hold on," Coney whispered into the com.

  The large female cassowary was strutting back and forth in front of the males, like some sort of drill sergeant. The boys just stood there, staring straight ahead. For a very brief second, an episode of Gilligan's Island came to mind where the four men were lined up just like this. I really should switch them over to something new…maybe Dr. Who?

  "We have to do something NOW," Dak said, "they just gave the special knock."

  "Stall them," Gin answered. I wasn't sure how he was going to do that without a wig and some makeup, but I thought Dak would make a very attractive female. I had to wonder if he could pass for a prostitute.

  Our eyes were glued to the female cassowary. She was big. Bigger than any ostrich I'd ever seen. And she was angry, or in lust, or both. The boys refused to move.

  "What do we do?" Gin asked me. The female heard her and started moving toward my cousin. It was clear she thought her a threat. I started looking around for some sort of rake or tool I could use if she attacked.

  Beowulf broke first, running ahead and positioning himself in front of Gin. The other three joined him, causing the female to draw herself up short. She seemed completely surprised. Why were these dudes protecting this woman? She started puffing herself up and hissing.

  "She's going to lose it," Coney said, getting into a stance to fight if he needed to.

  "Wait! I think we can use this," I said, putting my hand on his chest.

  * * *

  Which is how the men of LEOPOLD were startled when Gin Bombay burst into their room followed by five angry cassowaries. She ran across the room and did a perfect swan dive through the open window at the other end. I was pretty impressed with her athleticism. She'd never even warmed up.

  Dak and Coney closed and locked the door behind the last bird in, and Gin and I guarded the window, waiting to use the secret word to launch the attack. I even practiced saying "rutabaga" over and over in my head.

  The four old men creakily rose to their feet and stared at the huge female cassowary and her four, hostile suitors. One of the old guys raised a cane and thwacked the female on the side of the head. Then, all hell broke loose. We didn't even need to shout "rutabaga," which made me a little sad because I'd really looked forward to using it.

  Two minutes later, four dead, eviscerated men lay on the floor and five, blood-soaked cassowaries were swallowing fruit whole from a dinner table piled three feet deep with assorted meat, cheese, bread, and gravy.

  The whole massacre happened so quickly, mainly because the men were ancient and easy to kill. They didn't even scream—either out of weakness or total arrogance. My boys made short work of LEOPOLD, while the female seemed to stand by and watch. She looked impressed by their bizarre, disemboweling ballet. I guess I would've been too if four male cassowaries were killing bad guys just for me.

  Dak ran into the kitchen and warned the staff that there was a cassowary attack on the premises. The staff, being natives of the area and understanding the significance of this, locked themselves in the kitchen, allowing Gin and I to shoo the birds back out of the room and out of the compound.

  "What are we going to do with Brunhilde?" Coney asked once we were on the trail with five, not four, large killing birds. I thought it was kind of appropriate that he'd named her already.

  "I like Brunhilde!" I said brightly as the five birds followed us back toward the barn.

  We opened the door and all five birds entered the barn. Brunhilde looked around the building and chose Kevin's nest to curl up in. Kevin gave the other birds a smirk. We closed the door of the barn.

  "Now what?" Gin asked as we entered the house. "We can't take Brunhilde back with us. They kind of have laws against that."

  "By morning," I said slowly, "she'll be on her way. She's just here to lay eggs. Then she will run off, never to return."

  "Well we can't just leave the eggs here unattended, and I'm pretty sure they can't leave the country," Coney said.

  Which also meant we couldn't take Hrothgar, Beowulf, Bulvai, and Kevin back to Santa Muerta with us. Gin, Dak, and Coney looked at me sadly. I'd have to leave my boys behind. Damn.

  * * *

  The next day, Gin said goodbye as she drove off in a rented a car to join Diego and Romi, who were visiting in Australia for Christmas. Coney made Dak and me breakfast, before we headed to the barn to see what had transpired there overnight.

  We pushed open the door, and Brunhilde ran past us, disappearing into the foliage. Beowulf, Hrothgar, Bulvai, and Kevin were all staring at four bright green eggs sitting in Kevin's nest. They were beautiful. And considering that mating season for cassowaries ended in October and this was December 25th, it kind of seemed like a Christmas miracle. And an omen that I could no longer ignore.

  "You can't take the eggs, cousin," Coney repeated as he watched four male birds trying to sit on one nest. "Sorry."

  "How would we move that thing anyway?" Dak asked.

  I sighed. My four boys were all grown up. Each one of them had a precious egg to guard. They made for one, weird, dysfunctional cassowary family. But there was no way they were going back with me now.

  I distracted the boys with a platter of fruit while Dak and Coney dragged the nest carefully into the forest. Then I led the birds to their nest. Again, the four of them tried to get into the nest together, and in a strange way they made it work.

  We cleaned the barn and locked up the house before leaving. I didn't even say goodbye. It seemed a bit silly to do so.

  Back on Santa Muerta, Dak and Coney and I said our farewells before the plane took them back to the States. Mom met me on the island's landing strip and gave me a hug.

  "No birds?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

  I shook my head. She seemed to know I didn't want to talk about it. We walked back to my condo in silence.

  Mom made me a mug of hot chocolate, in spite of the stifling heat, and played the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album. That cheered me up a bit.

  "We did it," I said between sips of the cocoa. She'd even added star-shaped marshmallows. The marshmallows reminded me of the birds. They wouldn't get any marshmallows where they were now. But maybe they wouldn't notice.

  Mom nodded as she pulled some sugar cookie dough out of the fridge. "I know. Want to make Christmas cookies?" When I was a kid, making cookies always cheered me up. I loved it that Mom remembered that.

  "You know we closed the assignment?" I asked as I rooted through the cupboard for sprinkles. I didn't even know I had cookie dough and sprinkles. I chalked it up to forgetfulness. Maybe I'd need that Alzheimer's cure too.

  Mom nodded as she rolled out the dough. "I hacked into your ear coms and listened in."

 
I put down the bag of cookie cutters I'd just pulled from the drawer. "You what?" Mom couldn't do that! How could she do that?

  Mom put her hands on her hips, "Mississippi Bombay! I was an assassin too, you know!" Then she looked a little sheepish. "By the way, sorry about the blue foam. Just so you know, it wasn't the exploding blue foam."

  "What? That was you?" So I did get it right! "How?"

  "I was looking around your lab when you were making the little black boxes. You'd run off to Ecuador for some errand, and I got a little carried away playing with the toxins you were making." She folded her arms across her chest. "I used to be quite good at poison, you know."

  After staring at her for a few seconds, I shrugged and started helping her cut out cookies. As we decorated little skulls with Santa hats, it occurred to me that maybe Mom missed the business too. Funny how you can forget your parents had lives before you came along. And she had been the one who trained me. I made a mental note to invite her to join me in blowing stuff up in my lab. She'd probably enjoy that.

  Mom had made a turkey breast and all the fixings, and we enjoyed a quiet little Christmas celebration that now included the successful end of the Bombay's final assignment. LEOPOLD was gone, and from the conversation I'd heard the night they died, there was no one to replace them. These idiots had been too arrogant to train anyone else. The world was a slightly better place now.

  I spent the week after New Year's closing up the cassowaries' barn. I'd miss those guys. It would be better for them to live among their own in a protected forest preserve in Australia. And each one of them would have their own chick to play with.

  But I was sad. Maybe it was the birds. Maybe it was because Monty, Jack, and Lex were gone for the holidays, but something drove me back to my lab again and again.

  Clearly, with the Bombay business completely over, I'd need something new to take up my time. I rummaged through boxes and bins in the lab, looking for something to do, but what?

  The day before the boys and Lex came home, I was going through the closet at the back of a now, cleaned up laboratory. My hands found a large, jeweled box on the top shelf. I lifted it down and took it to my worktable. After dusting it off, I opened it.

  And that was it. I'd found what I would do now.

  "What's that, Mom?" Monty asked as he and Jack burst through the door of my lab and threw their arms around me.

  "Hey! You guys weren't coming home until Thursday!" I said as I hugged each one of them.

  "Mom"—Jackson rolled his eyes—"it is Thursday."

  "Again," Monty asked, "what's that?"

  "This," I said as I pointed to the contents of the box, "is a petrified Dodo egg."

  The boys looked at each other, wiggling their eyebrows as Lex came into the room and took me into his arms.

  "So," he said, looking at the Dodo egg, "what are you going to do with that?"

  I kissed him, then smiled. "I'm going to clone it, of course."

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Leslie Langtry is the USA Today bestselling author of the Greatest Hits Mysteries, the Merry Wrath Mysteries, Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations, and several books she hasn't finished yet, because she's very lazy. Leslie loves puppies and cake (but she will not share her cake with puppies) and lives with her family and assorted animals in the Midwest.

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  BOOKS BY LESLIE LANGTRY

  Merry Wrath Mysteries

  Merit Badge Murder

  Mint Cookie Murder

  Scout Camp Murder (short story in the Killer Beach Reads collection)

  Marshmallow S'More Murder

  Movie Night Murder

  Mud Run Murder

  Fishing Badge Murder (short story in the Pushing Up Daisies collection)

  Motto for Murder

  Map Skills Murder

  Mean Girl Murder

  Marriage Vow Murder

  Mystery Night Murder

  Meerkats and Murder

  Aloha Lagoon Mysteries:

  Ukulele Murder

  Ukulele Deadly

  Greatest Hits Mysteries:

  'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy

  Guns Will Keep Us Together

  Stand By Your Hitman

  I Shot You Babe

  Paradise By The Rifle Sights

  Snuff the Magic Dragon

  My Heroes Have Always Been Hitmen

  Have Yourself a Deadly Little Christmas (a holiday short story)

  Four Killing Birds (a holiday short story)

  Other Works:

  Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations