Have Yourself a Deadly Little Christmas Read online

  "You read what book?" Angelina frowned, but I thought I could see some excitement in her eyes. Sigh. Christie fans.

  "And Then There Were None," Annie said. "I must say, this was a pretty good tribute. Except for one thing."

  "And what was that?" Madame Angelina's face changed. Her clueless, crunchy gypsy became assassin-hardened Liv Bombay.

  "Vera in the book never figured it out. But I have. And I have no intention of frizzling or whatever you had in mind for that. And I'm certainly not going to hang myself either."

  Liv nodded. "Okay." The accent was gone, replaced with a cold, steely tone.

  Annie looked startled. "Okay?"

  Liv shrugged as she pulled off the headpiece, the rings, and bracelets and threw them on the floor. "Okay. So what happens now?"

  My cousins tensed up. It didn't matter what Liv was doing. We were ready for anything.

  Annie pulled the knife from behind her and held it out. "Now, you get me out of here. Off this island. Back to civilization."

  Liv folded her arms over her chest. "Or what?"

  Annie frowned and looked down at the knife in her hand. "Or else I stab you."

  Liv sighed and pulled her hair back, tying it into a loose bun. "Fine."

  "Fine?" Annie squeaked.

  "Yes. Fine. Stab me." Liv said.

  Annie cocked her head to one side. Clearly she thought she was menacing enough to get my cousin to concede to her demands.

  "I'll do it…" Annie stammered. "I will."

  Liv nodded. "Come at me like it's Christmas, bitch." She brought her hands up and motioned her on.

  Annie looked around. "Okay." Her eyes ranged the room, wondering if she could make it out the door. "Don't push me. You don't have to die. You can just get me out of here."

  Liv smiled like a teacher to a naughty little kid. "That's not how it works, Annie. You are never leaving here alive."

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying this. Assassination is so business-like these days. But this was like some weird Lifetime Holiday Drama of the Week—if those things involved killing people with quicksand and bears.

  "I'm going in," Paris said, his hand on the door handle.

  "No. You're not," I said.

  "That's my sister in there!" he protested.

  Gin shook her head. "No, that's a trained Bombay assassin in there. She knows what she's doing."

  Cy said nothing but kept his gun trained on the mirror. He wasn't even trembling. That man had serious focus.

  "Alright," Annie said at last. "Before I kill you, I just want to know who set us up."

  She wasn't really in a position to make demands.

  Liv shrugged. "I don't know."

  Annie's eyes almost bugged out of her skull. "You don't know? How do you not know?"

  "I don't. That's just how it works," Liv answered. I had to hand it to her. My cousin was calm and collected. She looked like she was getting ready to sit in front of the fire with a glass of eggnog and her knitting.

  Annie waved her knife at the door. "And the others? Who were they?"

  "All stupid, evil, nasty people," Liv said. "Like you."

  "I am not going to die here!" Annie's voice was hysterical. "You won't kill me!"

  "Oh, yes," Liv said quietly. "I'm going to kill you. You're a horrible monster, and you deserve to die for the things you've done."

  "It's Christmas Eve! You can't kill me on Christmas!"

  Liv cocked her head to one side. "I think that killing you will be my favorite present ever. The world will be a better place without you in it. That's what Christmas is about, isn't it?"

  Annie lost it. "It's just business! It's nothing personal!"

  "Oh, it's personal alright." Liv narrowed her eyes.

  Annie's jaw dropped. "Did I take someone belonging to you?"

  Liv shook her head. "Not that I know of."

  "Then why kill me?" Tears began flowing down Annie's cheeks.

  "I wonder how many little girls asked the same thing of you," Liv said.

  "I didn't kill them!"

  "You might as well have," Liv said. "Time's up. Are you going to stab me or what?"

  Annie lunged at Liv, sweeping the knife in front of her. Liv stepped sideways and grabbed Annie's wrist, twisting hard in a direction that a wrist shouldn't have gone in. There was a decided snap.

  The knife fell to the floor and skittered away. Liv bent down, putting her knee across Annie's throat.

  "They'll come looking for me!" she gurgled, her face reddening. "Someone will come looking for me!"

  Liv leaned down, increasing the pressure on the woman's throat. "I'll tell you what you've told countless girls over the years. No one is coming for you. No one is looking for you. And no one will miss you." She pressed down a little harder. "And the only difference between me telling you that, and you telling them that, is that my words are true."

  Annie's eyes went wide just before her trachea made a sick crunching noise. Liv kept up the pressure until she was sure the woman was dead.

  She got to her feet just as Paris came through the hidden door and threw his arms around her.

  "You were worried about me?" Liv asked through the crush of his hug.

  Paris nodded. "I was for a moment there."

  "She had the whole thing under control," I said.

  Gin put a hand on Liv's shoulder. "Are you mad that it didn't go according to plan?"

  Liv shook her head. "Not really. She was strangled in the end. I just didn't get to die."

  "This was fun," Gin said.

  "I agree," Paris said.

  "Let's never do this again." Cy said.

  "Why?" I asked.

  Cy looked at each and every one of us. "I know you're all very good at what you do. But I was worried sick about each and every one of you. And I don't want to go through that again."

  We stared at him. Cy was worried? He never once let on. Clearly he was the best actor of all of us.

  We dragged the five bodies and the bear to the quicksand. One by one, we dumped them in, watching as they slowly sank beneath the surface.

  Raoul picked us up in the van and drove us to the condos. We were all exhausted and barely said goodnight.

  The next morning all of our families arrived, and we got together in the main dining room for a big breakfast. Gin's husband Diego and daughter Romi, Liv's husband Todd and their kids Woody and Alta. Cy and Paris were still single then, but I was already with Lex, and my twin sons, Monty and Jack, were with me.

  In the end, it's all about family at the holidays. And when you're a Bombay, Christmas sometimes comes with a few dead bodies.

  * * *

  "That was AWESOME!" Theo jumped in the air, pumping his fist.

  "It's not a bad story…" Dak said grudgingly. His wife, Leonie, kissed him, and he smiled.

  Eulalie the Dodo woke up and stretched her tiny wings, before hopping down off my lap.

  Veronica, Leonie, and the other spouses left to put the kids to bed, leaving Gin, Paris, Dak, Cy, Liv and myself sitting in front of the fire.

  "You know," Gin said as she stared into the flames, "I always thought it weird that no one ever tried looking for those five bastards."

  Paris shrugged. "I don't think the world missed them much."

  Liv walked over to Eulalie and sat down beside her on the rug. She rubbed the back of the bird's head, and the dodo made a trilling noise, her eyeballs rolling back into her head. "It's too bad we are retired. That we don't kill the scum of the Earth anymore."

  Dak nodded. "I miss that. Like you said in the story, I always felt like we were making the world a better place."

  "I miss it," I admitted. "Retirement is dull."

  Everyone stopped and stared at me.

  "Tell me you don't think so," I demanded. "Tell me you don't miss the excitement, the planning, the execution, all that."

  One by one, each one of them nodded.

  "Yeah," Gin spoke up. "But I don't miss the Council."


  "Or all those rules," Liv added.

  "Being told what to do," Paris said. "And when."

  We were all quiet, musing on the nostalgic satisfaction that comes from knowing you took some of the worst people on Earth out of circulation. In the kitchen I could hear Leonie and Veronica singing Christmas carols and the clank of dishes being washed.

  "So," Cy said thoughtfully. "We all miss killing bad guys to make the world a better place." He leaned forward, a sly smile crossing his face. "Alright. What are we going to do about it?"

  * * * * *

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Leslie Langtry is the author of the Greatest Hits Mysteries series, Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations, The Hanging Tree Tales as Max Deimos, the Merry Wrath Mysteries, and several books she hasn't finished yet, because she's very lazy.

  Leslie loves puppies and cake (but she will not share her cake with puppies) and thinks praying mantids make everything better. She lives with her family and assorted animals in the Midwest, where she is currently working on her next book and trying to learn to play the ukulele.

  To learn more about Leslie, visit her online at: http://www.leslielangtry.com

  BOOKS BY LESLIE LANGTRY

  Merry Wrath Mysteries

  Merit Badge Murder

  Mint Cookie Murder

  Greatest Hits Mysteries:

  'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy

  Guns Will Keep Us Together

  Stand By Your Hitman

  I Shot You Babe

  Paradise By The Rifle Sights

  Snuff the Magic Dragon

  My Heroes Have Always Been Hitmen

  Four Killing Birds (a holiday short story)

  Have Yourself a Deadly Little Christmas (a holiday short story)

  Other Works:

  Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations

  Hanging Tree Tales YA Horror novels:

  Hell House

  Tyler's Fate

  Witch Hill

  The Teacher